Relationship With an Egoist Are you wondering why some are empathetic, open to a fluid give / take in relationships, and others selfish and self-centered? Where in the age of individualism, self-care, time for oneself, self-love lies the border between healthy egoism and the toxic one that often brings a breakdown in relationships?
Who is an egoist?
Selfishness / selfishness is defined as over- or solely self-concern, focusing on self-interest, pleasure, or well-being regardless of others . YourLatinMates.com A selfish person consistently puts his own goals above those of others. In its extreme form, selfishness leads to psychopathism or narcissism.
When it comes to selfishness, it’s worth remembering in the first place that we all tend to judge the world in relation to our own goals, values, or vision of life. We all want to do things that are for our well-being and well-being. This kind of selfishness is perfectly natural. The problem arises when we do something for ourselves and at the same time ignore the needs of those around us or when we fulfill our needs at the expense of others.
Where does selfishness come from?
” Don’t be selfish !” You know it? This is probably one of the first lessons / guidelines parents teach their children about how badly selfishness is perceived in the group. Since we are instructed in these early stages, why do some develop a strong selfish attitude, and others maintain a healthy balance between being self-centered and being there for others?
Let me refer to Erich Fromm, who has researched this issue quite extensively. Fromm, followed by other researchers of the topic, believe that selfish behavior is not the source of lack of concern for others, but a considerable anxiety about oneself and one’s resources / possibilities, striving for perfectionism, fear of losing control . Selfish people don’t love themselves more, they actually love themselves less. This lack of love for oneself, and consequently, translates into a lack of care for others (Fromm – “Anatomy of Human Destructiveness”).
“ Loving others and loving yourself are not an alternative. If someone has this willingness, he has it for himself as well, if he can love only others, he cannot love at all ” – Fromm.
There is a slight paradox to that! Classically, it seems that a selfish person should focus on others to heal the relationship. Paradoxically, the way to get out of an extreme selfish attitude is to make yourself feel safe and learn to love and be kind to yourself. This is especially important because people who are “selfish” as adults often grew up in environments where their feelings, YourLatinMates thoughts, needs were overlooked or neglected. Of course, this attitude can also be a consequence of the opposite – parents complying with their child’s every request without learning to give something of themselves.
Relationship with the Egoist – How Can I Know?
Many people who use my support feel that they are in a selfish relationship! Selfishness is not always the problem. Egoism is a deeply rooted trait, below are a few features that may indicate the partner’s selfishness:
- The constant expectation that the home, children, responsibilities are something you need to take care ofas if you were the only functioning adult in the house.
- Emotional blackmailthat makes you feel guilty. Teaching about your responsibilities / sacrifice while justifying yourself.
- Focus on self-comfort, often overlooking your well-being
- Imposing your decisions regarding your needs, professional decisions, relationships with others. Often the decisions of the selfish person are more favorable to him / her than to you.
- Keeping your spending down is your responsibility, while the other party doesn’t compromise on their spending.
- Lack of support and appreciation. Selfish people underestimate your efforts, accepting that you are doing your duty, even when you help them. The most common result is a feeling of low self-esteem in the relationship.
How to live with an egoist in a relationship?
A truly selfish person can upset the balance of reciprocity that naturally exists in relationships. It is human to expect that when we do something for our partner, friends or neighbors, over time they do something for us as well. It is not about accounting for something, but about keeping a balance in being together. When it is missing, one person consistently “gives” and the other one consistently “takes”.
How to deal with an egoist in a relationship?
If you’re living in a relationship with someone who is selfish, here are some tips. Remember, however, that they serve to help you regain your balance! You yourself are not able to change the other person if he / she does not want to do so or sees no problem!
Start with yourself.
Selfish behavior of others is not your fault, but is it worth considering if you have a pattern of gaining love by giving and pleasing others? This pattern often concerns the so-called emotional interdependence – that is, prioritizing the needs, expectations or problems of others over one’s own problems, needs, or even one’s own mental and physical health. If such behavior sounds familiar, you can read more here – Emotional Dependence on Your Partner – What Is It?
Start setting limits
You can only control your actions and your reactions. If you are in a relationship where there is an imbalance in give / take, start setting boundaries, first in your area of availability.
Understand your deal breakers
Each of us has several core values that make it difficult for us to accept a compromise or a complete lack of fulfillment. Know yours is another area where you should be assertive about setting boundaries. More about core values and setting boundaries:
Talk about your needs
It is very likely that you will need to remind your partner of his selfishness many times before changes begin to occur in your relationship – this is when your partner wants to consciously work on the change. Try to be patient and let me know what you need.
Does a relationship with an egoist make sense?
It does, but in a situation. Where the partner has at least minimal openness to changes and takes responsibility for his attitude. If your partner resists all your trials and maintains a selfish attitude. Sometimes leaving will be the only option, especially. When selfishness is extreme – narcissistic. Not only are ‘narcissists’ selfish and self-absorbed. They’re also compassionate and deliberately exploiting others.
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Overcoming selfishness in relationships requires changing certain habits, some of which may be deeply ingrained. It is quite a complex topic, it is worth using support before deciding. Whether to stay or leave, especially to understand whether selfishness in a relationship is not fuel by emotional interdependence.